Hey, you,
When I was pre-orgasmic, I explored so many things wanting to experience orgasm for the first time.
I felt more than broken; I felt like I didn't belong to the human population (enneagram 4).
Ohhhhhhh I read books. I went to six therapists. I watched videos. I bought vibrating toys.
It's when I read Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm that I was first introduced to the concept of a time container.
(Author Nicole Daedone's organization One Taste was investigated by the FBI and is why I don't link her book here. I'm with feminist marketing consultant Kelly Diels on this; pieces of someone's work may have merit, and mentioning them doesn't mean I support the person or their work fully and completely.)
Using a timer container as an application can change how we come not only to sex, but to relationships, parenting, work, domesticity, and more.
Because one of the biggest obstacles holding us back from moving toward sexual expression is not knowing how long it’s going to take.
If we say yes to sex tonight, is it going to be a 5.4-minute experience or a two-hour interlude?
We likely have other things we want to do in addition to being naked in bed for hours (not like the early days when yes, yes, yes. That's exactly what we wanted to do).
When we establish how long we are each open to taking, we can both relax into the container, focus on our pleasure, and that of our partner's.
So grab your phone and follow these four steps for setting a time container to connect sexually.
STEP 1: Set Intention
When we say we want to have sex, what do we really want? What do we want to feel or experience? What are we open to experiencing or what are we capable of experiencing in that moment? What kind of sex do we want to have and how do we want to have it?
These are the kinds of questions we can ask ourselves to gain clarity and open up conversation with our partner around intentions.
We may want to connect or play or relax or get excited and loud.
We could want slow and gentle or fast and hard or kinky or nourishing.
We possibly want mouths or hands or toys or bodies together.
Establish what you want and have the energy for, ask your partner what they want, and set an intention for your time together.
STEP 2: Establish Time Amount
Agree on how much time you're open to spending together.
One of you may have some emails you want to write.
One of you may be craving time together.
One of you may have a show you've been wanting to watch or a book you want to read.
One of you may want to fill up on affection and touch.
None of these exclude the desire to connect sexually, and we want to be explicit with how much time we want or need to be together.
Notice if you can compromise on a duration that invites you both to feel good and honors what's healthy and supportive for each of you.
STEP 3: Check Your Mindset
Are you focused on orgasm as the goal, either yours or your partner's?
Are you anxious about performing in a particular way?
Are there webs of worry around body shame, religious guilt, or sexual trauma?
That makes sense; our culture and society don't support healthy sexual expression.
Notice if you can bring forward a piece of you that wants to feel good, that believes human beings are designed for pleasure.
(And if you need help accessing a supportive mindset, reach out to me for guidance.)
STEP 4: Set the Timer and Play
You can set a timer on your phone, maybe finding a specific tone for when the alarm goes off that’s special for when the two of you are interacting sexually.
Having your timer play a song after the time has passed is also a gentle way of shifting after your time together.
Know, too, that you can always hit snooze or renegotiate more time together.
I like to start with 15 minutes as my baby-step toward sexual connection. It feels manageable and accessible and oftentimes leaves me wanting more.
Then begin. :)
Maybe you start with a hug, with a kiss, with undressing yourself or your partner.
Follow your whims and impulses, and check in with your partner and yourself as you go.
Determining our time containers supports us to communicate about other important elements of what we want and desire around sex.
And setting a timer container allows us to relax into being present while knowing our other needs and wants can also be honored.
Make your relationship and your sexuality a priority by offering them 15 minutes every few days or an hour once a week.
Then click reply (or some keyed shortcut) and let me know how setting a time container affects your sexuality.
Offering you so much love,
Daniela