Several years ago I developed a UTI so painful that in the car on the way to the emergency room, I was peeing every few seconds onto a stack of cloth diapers I'd placed under me.
The few seconds of relief I had paled into comparison to the sharp, burning, twisting pain I felt.
The UTIs I've experienced I've never directly correlated to having sex either consciously or unconsciously.
The rawness of my core wound comes around every year.
The most vulnerable thing I could ever do is ask if you'd spend my birthday with me.
Even as I write the words, tears flood my eyes and spill over.
A knot clenches in my gut, and my throat becomes so tight it's almost impossible for me to breathe.
I try to swallow it down, but the icy terror in my heart threatens to heave up and out of my body.
This is How I Realized My Heart is Numbed
Sometime recently a friend forwarded me a list of journaling prompts, questions to explore and really look at around pandemic, coronavirus, social distancing, COVID-19, shelter-in-place, quarantine, isolation, ventilators, ICU.
I kept her email and every once in awhile would open it up and read through the questions.
Well, actually, I'd read the first prompt and stop.