marriage

9 Qualities for Determining the State of Your Union

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how happy are you as a couple?"

Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a movie that's spoken to me for a long time.

It was trying to tell me something about long term committed relationships.

I sat with it for years before I figured it out.

Even though it's from a cis white heteronormative framing, it's still about two people experiencing what I call The Relationship Journey.

To Be Chosen, You Have To Communicate Your Needs First

I see you relaxing back, receiving so much love and care and support that you need and want.

I see you doing it with ease and it coming to you so lusciously.

Here's the thing, though.

Most sitcoms don't show the characters knowing what they want, communicating what they want, or getting what they want.

3 Simple Steps To Reignite Love & More in Your Relationship

I see your partner and you and hold what's possible for you both.

I see the excitement and exhilaration of honeymoon, springtime-like love and sex,

especially in the shift to autumn.

Are You Willing To Grow With Your Partner?

Are You Willing To Grow With Your Partner?

Back when I was training as an Integrated Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, I remember having conversations with my colleagues about what to look for in a partner.

What makes having the sex you want and the intimacy you desire possible in a relationship...for both of you?

The answer I came up with?

Heal Within The Stone Hearth of Your Relationship for Fire and Light

You.

Me.

What do we know about supporting long term relationships to thrive, to flourish...

To experience the fullness of being human...

To explore the richness, depth, passion, and connection of being alive?

"I'm tired" is the new "I'm fine." You're not tired. You're not fine.

I'm tired.

Are you?

I've noticed that for some people "tired" can be code for boredom or pessimism, frustration, irritation, impatience....

Sometimes it encompasses overwhelm, disappointment, doubt, or worry.

None of Us Wants to Be Abandoned...and how I want us to love more and deeper

A client wrote to me recently and asked,

"Can you help me to want her less...care about her less...and love her less than I do so that I am not putting pressure on her to communicate with me or have to be intimate with me emotionally?

Is that realistic?"

The Most Difficult Season of Your Relationship Might Need Support

You are not alone.

If this has been the most difficult season your relationship has faced...

If this has been the most difficult chapter of your life...

You are not alone.

Gently Support One Another's Bodies and Sexuality with Loving Touch

Sit down with me?

I'm picturing us nestled around a small, square table.

The flat wood is darker, and the texture offers my chest calm and grounding sensations with a reminder of the outdoors.

Maybe you're across from me so we can look at one another.

How to Not Get Overwhelmed and Numb To It All

I'm not sure where your thoughts or emotions are at right now, friend.

And over the last few days I've been running through a spectrum of grief and hope and despair and anger marked with sparks of action and creativity.

I've also been ruminating around what feminist marketing consultant Kelly Diels (she/her) calls my spot on the wall.

I've got deep questions around relationships right now.

Distancing in the form of individuation and differentiating yourself from your partner is normal and healthy.

It supports autonomy and growth and prevents enmeshment and...

I dare say...

a toxic intimacy that snuffs out the possibility of passion.

This is How You Take Ownership of Your Sexuality

You may not be having sex or as much sex as you want with your partner during this pandemic.

Maybe—like me—your partner and you are sheltering-in-place in different locations.

You may be single or dating.

Side by Side, Back to Back, This is How You Two Co-Create Your Life Moving Forward

Maybe the two of you have different ideas around what to do with your time.

Maybe the stress is affecting you each differently.

Maybe what you need right now is different.

And...

This is How I Realized My Heart is Numbed

Sometime recently a friend forwarded me a list of journaling prompts, questions to explore and really look at around pandemic, coronavirus, social distancing, COVID-19, shelter-in-place, quarantine, isolation, ventilators, ICU.

I kept her email and every once in awhile would open it up and read through the questions.

Well, actually, I'd read the first prompt and stop.

What is there really even to say to one another?

I'm feeling the urge to share so many things with you.

And...

I am concurrently holding a piece that's says, "What's the point? Where would I start?"

I'm curious if you're experiencing something similar when you turn to look at your partner at the end of the day...at the end of this unique week.

Does Your Relationship Err on the Side of Caution or Take Risks?

How are you doing?

How are you really doing?

I'm not the type to ask if I didn't really care.

So I honestly invite you to hit reply and share with me what you're really experiencing, really noticing in terms of your sensations, emotions, and thoughts.

This is Why Unspoken Conversations Linger Between You Two

I'm sorry your partner and you had that same circular argument again that led to...nothing.

I'm sorry you spiraled into that same funk you've been experiencing for years except now it feels...hollow.

It's like the sensations and emotions aren't even fresh anymore.

They're played out.

This is Why You Can't Solve Your Relationship Problems

Many years ago, I found myself laid off from my teaching job, caring for two young children, and floundering. 

Oh, yeah. And my spouse and I were fighting. 

I would yell at him from the doorway while he was sitting on the couch looking at me blankly.

Then I would leave in a rage, wondering where I could go to figure things out and wondering who would understand.

This is Where Amazing Sex Begins

I learned this tip around where amazing sex begins from Carlin Ross.

And it is:

Never show up to a moment where you want or believe sex could happen without oil or lubricant.

Why?

Take A Look Back at Your Weekend, Would You?

Typically I write blogs on Friday to support a deeper connection with your partner over the weekend.

Today I invite you to take a look back at your weekend.

Are things you desire to clear, release, or redo?

Maybe something you said you'd like to figure out how to say better...